- Published October 1, 2016
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The views contained in this article are that of the author and should not be taken as the opinion of Geek Node as a publication.
Who are we exactly?
I have always been a fan of all things geek and have always had a penchant for cool geek items.
I am what I would call a “geek culture cognoscente “.
You may ask yourself, “ Zaid, why are you coming here with all these strange foreign terms – why can’t you just be a normal chap and call yourself a collector? ”
“Collector” – such a generic term that we use everyday without a care. We refer to people who buy and stockpile (okay okay: “ collect “) everything from comic books, dvds, blue rays, games and action figures to crushes hair, bottle tops and keychains by the same generic term.
It all seems so… sterile.
I mean the obvious image conjured when one hears the word “Collector” is that of Taneleer Tivan (aka The Collector from the Marvel Universe) – a strange dude, in colorful attire and a serious hoarding problem.
While most of us may have a hoarding problem, and are a little eccentric at the best of times, I refuse to believe that the generic term “Collector” does us justice.
Whats in a name?
A few years ago there was a viral thread entitled “ The Types of Kaka ” which as the name suggests details the different classifications of defecation. Gut-wrenchingly funny as it was (hah pun!), since my assimilation into the South African Geek Culture Scene I have come to realise that there are different types of Collectors too.
With the upcoming release of “ Fantastic Beasts and where to find them ” I was moved to develop that I call “ Darth Zady Bun’s Guide to South African Collectors ”.
A not-so Comprehensive list of the types of South African Collectors
I am going to try to describe the traits of some of the types of collectors I have come across recently. Please be warned, this is a joke…it is not about you and any similarity between the characters and any person living , dead, zombified or trapped in astral form is purely co-incidental.
Alrighty then… Here we go!
1) The Pre-order Warrior
These folks trawl the internet in search of new items to pre-order and immediately contact retailers and suppliers to secure theirs. They come to the surface, often with their deposit in hand to pre-order items that are rumoured to be released in 2019 IF the company can secure the rights. They become very irate when the rest of us buy the item off a store shelf on sale.
2) The Grail Gobbling Goblin
These are the dudes that lose their marbles every time a new item is officially announced and immediately laud these items as Grail’s.
(Note to the uninitiated – a Grail is an item you have been searching for over a long time, perhaps even your whole life. It implies that it is an item that is already in existence.) There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this except that these guys label items that haven’t been created yet as things they have been searching for since forever – err sorry guy, but you can’t possibly have been searching your whole life for something that is now available on pre-order. This isn’t your search for a spouse, it’s collecting – Calm down.
3) The Alibaba Aficionado Reseller
The guys that buy everything (even an arm and a leg) from websites like AliExpress and then try to hawk their wares locally. They spend their time asserting that these items are ultra-rare, limited releases that they “imported through a contact”.
Here’s there thing, you can sell anything you like and nobody really cares where you got it from , but dude get serious, you bought toys from an online store via your internet browser. You are not fine arts dealer. Behave yourself.
4) The Zama-Zama Miner 69’er Collector
Must…buy…it…ALL!!!
A “Zama-Zama” refers to an illegal miner in South Africa.
In the context of collectors, and as the name suggests, these are the guys who profess to be action figure prospectors (i.e. they buy items today with the intention of reselling them at a later stage, often at an exorbitant rate).
You will normally find them at sales buying ten of everything (#blackfriday2016 coming soon) and can’t help but shake your head in disgust as you see them hawking these items off a few weeks to months later in community groups.
5) The Kim K Collector
No, I don’t mean those chaps that are collecting Kim K pictures and merchandise – I mean the guys who are desperately trying to position themselves as pseudo celebrities in the collector circles by posting the details of the mundanity of their collections. They start off nicely enough but then just lose the plot and become nauseating. Nobody cares if it is “action figure cleaning day”, “display re-ordering day” or even “display displaying day”- you bought cool stuff –we get it, Jeez!
6) The Organ Donor
The guys who go on about their general state of impoverishment and their desire to sell off parts of themselves every time a new item is placed on sale. Why are you so high maintenance njeh? Why can’t you stay in your lane collection-wise and spare us your laments? Bra, payment plans are available- sign up or shut up. You are broke, we are broke and the economy sucks. We know. We are sorry. Leave it alone man.
7) The Validator aka “Backstop Baba”
The guys that join a group or forum and mete out “likes” and/or comments like their affirmation of that particular post is the cure. Not really sure what disease they aim to cure, but I shouldn’t be surprised, they are also known to share posts with “Amen” to stop the war in the Middle East. After sending out Candy Crush and Farmville requests that is.
I don’t mind people that are supportive (in fact hit like and share this post right now lol) – but honestly, not everything needs your “thumbs-up” of approval!
Also, why do you have to do this on every post by every member?
Seriously, EVERY post by EVERY member? Nah man. That can’t be right!
You know how it is, your phone will vibrate at 3 am in the morning and when you check your feed, you see that this cherub has liked or commented on posts you made three years ago. Eish.
8) The Danny Roman Understudy (aka the Negotiator)
These are the guys that fancy themselves negotiators and can easily be identified by the inbox message you will receive 5 minutes after you post an item for sale which typical reads “Sup Bruh, I will give you (insert ridiculous low ball figure here) for that thing.”
Basic principle – a R 500 item is worth R 500, badgering a person to sell it to you for R 150 excluding shipping (I like how these guys are sure to specify that the offer excludes shipping like they are doing you a favour) is not called negotiating it’s called being a Doos.
Don’t be a Doos bru- be lekker!
9) The “Man-Cave” Caveman
I have the largest cave in the world Bruh!
Those sycophants who will wax lyrical about how they are all about the collector life and community who punctuate every third sentence with invites to their “Fortress of Solitude” or more affectionately their “Man-Cave”.
I’m all for hospitality, but these are the same arse-pops that usually use this as part of their gimmick to lull you into a false sense of security in order to screw you over and unload their horse crap collectibles on you.
Alternatively, they hoodwink you into entering into a trade deal with them and screw you over with horse crap they don’t let you inspect because they have other company coming over to see their “Man Cave”.
Hey Douche face – keep your shirt on, curb your enthusiasm and stop saying “Man Cave” – you have a toy room and are a Doos.
10) The SBT (aka School Boy Troll or Sack of Bull Turds)
We all know a few SBTs. These are the chaps that missed a little milestone we call “growing up”.
You will recognise them as being the guys who think that collecting is a competition and openly criticise the collection choices of others with snotty comments like “ Ah cool man- I see you bought all this stuff , I wouldn’t go for that though, because of x, y and z – you should collect this brand that I collect – it is soooo much better, but hey that’s me, I believe in quality not quantity tee hee hee.”
Meanwhile, you are sitting there with gritted teeth and you can’t help but imagine how you would love nothing more than to take this person, turn them around, bend them over, apply some Vicks to your shoe, turn said shoe sideways and then proceed to shove it straight up their buttocks because that might just them stop oozing all these crappy opinions and comments around you.
11) The “Seven Seconds from a Stroke” Collector
Folks that get so emotionally invested in the drama and vitriol that sometimes comes to pass in the community that the rest of us are taking bets on when they are going to give themselves an aneurysm or a stroke. These charmers can be easily identified by their periodic “rants”, “venting sessions” and “discourses” throughout social media about some or other occurrence that they have found to be vexing.
12) The Flea Market Fleecer
Oh these? Nah I have had them for years…
Those dudes that spend their weekends doing the flea market and thrift shop circuit to buy would be lucks. Whats interesting is that you find them flooding all the message boards trying to resell these items at exorbitant prices scarcely a week later. Don’t get me wrong – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with reselling items. Hell everyone knows that a collectible is always worth what people are prepared to pay for them. They are entirely within their rights yeah. Still doesn’t change the fact that they are fleecing people.
13) The Manic Mureed
A “Mureed” is a person who pledges to follow some esteemed person in order to achieve some benefit. In this context, these are the collectors who position themselves as fans to certain other collectors (or stores) ostensibly in the hope that this will somehow add some degree of decorum to their own lives. Or discounts. I am betting on discounts. How else can you justify people who treat store owners and operators like Demi-Gods?
14) The Compulsive Completionist
These are the dudes that have to buy EVERY single item in a line, a collection and even a franchise if at all possible. A line can have three awesome figures and absolute horseshit throughout the remainder of the line – but hey screw that, he has to have it. ALL of it even though he hates most of it.
15) The Savage Savant
The dudes that spend a lot of time on the forums and review sites to develop their knowledge of all things geek. They typically comment on posts with fine observations and pearls of wisdom because they are armed with random facts that nobody wants to hear about items that nobody cares about to validate a need for acceptance and validation that nobody noticed.
You also get some geeks who take the moment to impart their knowledge on the business models and business practices of various stores and dealers. I can’t understand why they think anyone cares.
Here’s the thing, if someone has an item for sale at the right price, a customer will buy it. If that someone has a policy that a customer doesn’t like, but the price is right, the customer will buy it, or at worst case scenario, will find someone else to buy it from. Next.
16) The Puppeteer
The guy who has one of every grail that everyone has ever coveted, but for reasons that nobody quite understands sees the need to act like some sort of criminal Kingpin by using his lackeys to sell his wares. You usually know there is a Puppeteer in the mix when you read posts about someone you never heard of selling and item everyone has dreamt off on behalf of some mystery friend that nobody can get a hold off. Posts by these lackeys usually cause the Savage Savant to rear his head and ranting about how the community is dying because of say puppeteers puppeteering.
17) The Phantom Patron
The guy that has bought everything ever announced and pops up from nowhere every so often. Legends are told of him and his bombastic bank balance. Everyone hates his good fortune but loves his collection.
18) The Post Pirate
See what booty I have arrh!
You know how it goes, you post a picture of your newest acquisition your displays, your new grail etc ad nauseum . The next thing you know someone has hijacked your post and has turned it into their version of a life insurance advert campaign. Suddenly the meaning and significance of your post is lost as this Pirate has successfully managed to turn your post into a platform for him/ her to hawk their wares.
I have a lovely bunch of Coconuts…
Yes, there are some weirdos out there. However, despite all the drama these people are (mostly) my friends and my tribe.
We have our differences, but are united in our shared appreciation for the magic of the human mind as it manifests itself in the many many facets of Geek Culture.
The beauty of the hobby is that everyone adds in their own spin and while there are some unsavoury characters in the mix, this is no less true in comparison with any other walk of life.
Whether you fall into these classes or not all we should try to remember that the game of life is most fun when played as a team.
Be sure to drop me a line in the comments below if you are, or know someone who is any of teh archetypes described above!
In the meanwhile, go eat some chocolate.
Happy collecting!
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Darth Zady Bun
Guest Contributor
Zaid is a story teller, traveller, artist, entertainer and comic culture geek of note.
Powered by chocolate, and guided by an ever growing bucket (and collectibles) list, he finances his addiction to geek merchandise, comic books, action figures and all the cold cast porcelain and PVC pieces of heaven he can buy by giving (mostly) legal advice. He is also rumoured to have once eaten an entire pack of Marie Biscuits with a single mug of Five Roses Tea.
Witnesses deny the incident.
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Article Tags: Collector's Community · Darthzadybun · featured · opinion · South African · South African Collectors · Things you thought but were too afraid to say · Zaid Hassen Motala
Article Categories: Editorial