- Published October 31, 2016
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The views contained in this article are that of the author and should not be taken as the opinion of Geek Node as a publication.
It’s close to midnight and something evil is lurking in the dark …
Growing up , there were a few things I felt that I missed out on solely as a result of being a South African.
High on that list, somewhere in between “not going to Disney land” and “Never going to the TMNT: Out of Their Shells” concert was “never gonna to get loads of free candy” while trick – or-treating.
Ah yes…Halloween… the one night of the year where the glorification of typically “evil” symbols is okay!
So with that in mind, I thought I would put together a short feature about Halloween.
Unfortunately, since I have never actually celebrated Halloween I really couldn’t do my dream feature of drawing a comparison between the Celebration of Halloween in the years gone by with Halloween today.
However, I have seen enough movies and sitcoms to know that the general trend is that you put on a costume, walk around with your friends and ask your neighbours for sweets as you exclaim “Trick or Treat”.
I can imagine the challenges with that, particularly in the context of South Africa where going up to someone’s doors to ask for candy is likely to get you abducted. Or possibly worse – getting the snot knocked out of you by your Mum for troubling the neighbours.
The candy itself and the sugar induced coma it is likely to induce would make those moms who are all about that no sugar life turn a little sour. Or if it were my mum back in the 90’s, the candy would be stored away and dispensed in rations over the rest of my life – I never did learn “portion control” despite her constant lessons and attempts at forcing portion control down my throat (Hah! A pun and irony – Nice!).
The thing that gets me going is how it is extremely unlikely that anyone’s kids are going to be allowed to go “loafing in the street, going house-to-house like a vagabond” wearing a fancy-schmancy costume. I mean aside from the fact that that Sh*t is expensive – it may get dirty and that never works out well for anyone. PS – shout out to all my cosplayers who don’t need to wait for “All hallows eve” to suit up and give us a treat.
Oh, and let’s suppose that through some fluke, the stars and planets align and you can get to a point where you can go out and get some trick or treating done with your squad – you are still screwed because odds are that your neighbours won’t have any candy to give you. Nope – all you are gonna get is chased back home. Or some fruit; yeah odds are that they will give you a banana and tell you to share it with your friend.
That one time…
Foreign holidays don’t do so well here. I remember how once a friend and I tried pulling off Guy Fawkes… We made a dummy to burn in effigy that evening and went house to house asking for money for Guy Fawkes. We even learned the words to the rhyme – “Guy Fawkes Guy…shoot him in the eye…” You know what we got? Nothing. No No – I’m lying; all we got for our trouble was grounded – turns out you should not:
1. Steal clothing from your dad’s drawer for your dummy;
2. Don’t use your mother’s broomstick for wood to make the dummy; and
3. Don’t play with Matches. (Caught a couple loose “Wharrapen Keegan” klups for that actually).
Nah I am pretty sure Halloween in the American TV sense is not something that’s likely to work out here – at least not in my neighbourhood anyway. I live in a pretty conservative area so you can imagine.
It makes me sad – I genuinely feel like I missed a milestone. Except, the “slipping into a sugar coma” part–I have eaten enough Milo straight out of the tin to see to that. Just the whole going out with my friends in costume thing.
So this begs the question? Should Halloween be more of a thing here?
I decided to try to draw up a scenario of what a South African Halloween would look like.
There I was… fingers poised over the keyboard and I typed in the word “Halloween”.
The first image that popped to mind was that of a pumpkin.
Then my mind jumped to Pumpkin Patch.
The theme song played in my head as I thought of Claire from pumpkin patch. Ah yes, my first TV crush…
Then I remembered what I was supposed to be doing and had to start over.
Halloween According to DarthZadyBun
What would my South African Halloween look like?
#bringyourownvuvuzela
It would probably go a little like this…
The kids wake up on Monday morning and are rushed through the debacle that is getting ready for school. The water for the geyser is still cold, because Mummy and Daddy woke up late and of course didn’t switch the geyser on at the proper time.
The kids figure that it’s just a fluke- however, we know that the delay was caused due to the fact that the parents were thoroughly exhausted.
It turns out that they went to bed early because Daddy’s team won the soccer and Mummy promised to let him brush her teeth with his magic toothbrush if that ever happened – No Man United supporter, I am not picking on you. Mummy didn’t expect things to last that long – hell even the Daddy was surprised – looks like his team whining was their marriage needed after all. Yes – “sport”, breaking friendships but saving cold marriages since time immemorial.
Anyway, one cold shower and the traffic rush to school later – which is made moderately longer because traffic in the greater Johannesburg area is being diverted. It turns out that the police contingent at WITS thought that the Halloween Calabashes (because pumpkins were too expensive) the Fees Must Fall movement had set up as part of their vigil were weapons. They accordingly went crazy with the tear gas and rubber and rubber bullets.
The remainder of the day is relatively okay, and the Mum is eager to get through the preps for Halloween ASAP because Generations is due to start in a little while. She takes some Kiwi Polish and rubs it on her son’s face and gives him a pair of “Hello Kitty” party ears that she bought from Pick and Pay on her way home. She assures him that if he wears some of her old costume jewelry and a black track suit he will look just like the Black Panther.
He cries just a little and his Kiwi starts to smudge. The Mum decides that maybe she needs to lighten up a little and succumbs to his request to make him look like the Joker. The Kiwi Polish stains on his face helps the white baby powder to stick to his face and actually gives it a nice contrast. Some green eyeshadow in his hair, a black pants and jacket with some foil on his teeth and voila!!! – #JaredLeto
It’s a little more difficult with her daughter – I mean she’s delicate – no Kiwi Polish for her! No, she is a princess. So Mum makes her wear a blue Punjabi (eastern wear for women) and tells her to carry her tiger teddy bear and pretend that she is Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. The girl cries and says that she wanted to be Harley Quinn. The mother says “I will blerry break you! You want to come here with all your funny ways and be like a chumki?! (Indian colloquialism meaning strumpet) In our day we never did all this nonsense– get from here!” – that’s one less Harley Quinn this year.
Dad arrives from work and he has brought home a packet of chocolate eclairs and a packet of those little chocolates made by Regal to be distributed to any trick-or-treaters that may stop buy. The Mum takes the Regal Chocolates for later and complains about still having a funny taste in her mouth – the kids don’t pay attention. The Dad figures that she probably didn’t like that special toothpaste.
Dad is on chaperone duty because the Mum is otherwise occupied with Generations and the packet of Regal sweets.
The kids meet their friends and walk through the neighbourhood. It seems all the Dads are on chaperone duty and they talk animatedly about last night’s game.
The usual suspects
Among the group there’s a kid dressed as Superman (blue tracksuit, red Mr. Price brief- possibly not his judging by the size- and red socks for boots with a baby blanket that has pictures of Superman as a cape).
There are a few Disney princesses from what must have been an elseworlds tale where all the Disney princesses are imagined as being Indian judging by the Punjabis.
There’s a Thor (Grey tracksuit, three locks of blond hair extensions held in place by a yellow Alice band and a meat tenderiser for a Mjolnir) and last but certainly not least, someone dressed as Batman. Yes, the token rich kid is dressed in a movie accurate version of the Batsuit-because in every crew there is always that one kid whose parents are loaded and will have to buy him an actual Batman costume (God I hated those kids).
Trick or treating lasts all of 30 minutes because everyone is watching Generations and nobody answers their door. The Dads decide that the kids have had a rough day and take a drive to the nearest McDonalds for a round of McFlurrys (or is it McFlurries?).
The only excitement in the entire debacle is when the Superman’s dad has to fight back the car guards in the area who accosted the group asking for some of the Dad’s fries in addition to the mandatory tip. Superman’s Dad tried to barter with the car guard with a few eclairs s instead. His attempts are rebuffed as there is apparently a provision in the existing “Car Guard Tariff Guide” that seems to be a thing these days that doesn’t permit for the paying of procurement fees in confectioneries. Yes that’s right folks Chips-NOT-Chocs: knowing saves lives.
Everyone goes home and life goes back to normal.
Halloween 2016 – Done!
Meanwhile back at the fort …
Seeing as how I won’t be able to collect a couple free Halloween themed special releases (– thanks world), I will instead be reading Batman – Haunted Knight by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale.
Yes, that was the plan for Halloween night, but I am impatient and it is Batman so I read it now.
You may not know this, but between 1993 and 1996, DC released a series of one shots to coincide with Halloween which were later collected as this particular collection which collects what was the first in a long line of collaborations between Loeb and Sale.
Pic via Penguin Random House International Sales
The book features three short stories, “Fears”, “Madness” and “Ghosts”.
“Fears” as alluded to above features the Scarecrow. While the Scarecrows crime spree isn’t particularly noteworthy, there is an underlying parallel tale detailing Brue Wayne’s latest paramour. The horror it turns out is that the real monster is really not who one would have expected at all.
The second tale is entitled “Madness” and details the exploits of the Mad Hatter, who has been kidnapping children on Halloween to host a tea party. His “Alice” is none other than a yogh Barbara Gordon. Very rarely has the threat of the Mad Hatter been given so much credence.
Last in the line-up was the short story entitled “Ghosts”, which is for all intents and purposes a spin of “A Christmas Carol” where Bruce finds his way through his psyche and is visited by three ghosts of the past, present and future.
All things being equal, and particularly in the South African context, I guess this is what Halloween is to so many of us…a study of Fears, Madness and Ghosts.
Reading this collection made me decide to read more of Loeb and Sale’s work on Batman so I will Spend Monday evening reading “The Long Halloween” be sure to check in for that review coming soon.
In the meanwhile and as a parting shot – let’s be honest, as much as we all may wish we could have celebrated the American Halloween with the whole trick or treating and costumes schpiel it isn’t a part of who we are as a people.
So go to your nearest comic store and grab some free Halloween Comics (please take for me as well I will be so grateful) and chill out.
If you are going to try to give your kids the experience, try to stay safe and avoid being hijacked, mugged and being hoodwinked by car guards in the McDonalds parking lot.
Happy Halloween!
Ciao for now.
Z
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Darth Zady Bun
Guest Contributor
Zaid is a story teller, traveller, artist, entertainer and comic culture geek of note.
Powered by chocolate, and guided by an ever growing bucket (and collectibles) list, he finances his addiction to geek merchandise, comic books, action figures and all the cold cast porcelain and PVC pieces of heaven he can buy by giving (mostly) legal advice. He is also rumoured to have once eaten an entire pack of Marie Biscuits with a single mug of Five Roses Tea.
Witnesses deny the incident.
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Article Tags: a South African Halloween · Darthzadybun · featured · halloween · opinion · Things you thought but were too afraid to say · tongue in cheek · Zaid Hassen Motala
Article Categories: Editorial